Me, As In Us: Andy + Gem
Tucked away in dreamy Chiapas, Andy and Gem welcomed me into their cozy oasis to talk about their love
D: Where did you guys meet? Or how did you meet?
A: We met in New Orleans, which is where I’m from. Gem was visiting. Why were you visiting? For your friend’s birthday?
G: Yessir! I went to wile out. That was the intention.
A: Then you came back married.
G: Yes I did.
A: We met at a party in New Orleans, then we went on a date the next day. The rest is history. Gem bought me a ticket to New York three days later and dropped out of college.
G: Yeah… I was definitely in a Masters program when we met and three days after I met her I was like I’m not gonna be able to make it to New Orleans and back. I was like I guess I’m moving to New Orleans.
D: Wait, you moved to New Orleans?
G: No I didn’t
A: But she did drop out of school
G: I did
A: With one semester left
G: I did
A: That’s what you call the juice
G: I was like I need her attention and I can’t work and go to school and keep her around. So… Worth it!
D: So what were your first impressions of each other?
G: Hmm. I though Andy was a turn-up gal, right?
A: What gave you that impression?
G: When I met her…
A: I was literally alone on the wall when you met me
G:… it was 2 in the morning at a queer party in New Orleans…
A: I was sulking because I wanted to go home
G: … and you were sauced, holding up the wall and so I’m assuming here’s my turn-up queen. Y’know like, she’s also the last one at the club
A: Wouldn’t a turn-up queen be like twerking on the stage..
G: .. but the party was over and you were still there
A: Yea because my phone died. I couldn’t call an Uber. So I had to wait for somebody to give me a ride.
G: So my first impression was a lie. It was just wrong. Altogether wrong, and I found out the next day on our date. What was your first impression of me?
A: You had a cute smile. My first impression of you was get out of the way I’m trying to find an Uber. Gem says that I ignored them.
G: Dubbed me. She dubbed me. At first. Then she was like wait you kinda cute.
A: Oh God. Corny!
G: Bagged you up real quick…. You did all the bagging. lol I didn’t do a thing. I didn’t speak to her first. I didn’t hit her up the next day. I didn’t pay for drinks.
D: Wait you spoke to them first? How did that start if you were trying to leave?
G: I smiled
A: So the first time we saw each other I was outside of the party and I was waiting on the corner for the Uber, but then my phone died as the Uber was being called, which is why I was not worried about Gem, because I was trying to get home. So then I came back inside of the party to find an acquaintance or friend, somebody to bring me home. I couldn’t find anybody. So I was annoyed, which is why I was on the wall waiting for somebody. Then I was just standing on the wall and Gem was being loud as Gem is. I looked across the room and was like oh they’re kinda cute. So then I just talked to them.
G: I was like you noticed me now! Now I have your attention.
A: And then the next day I pulled the classic… First of all Gem didn’t ask me for my number they asked me for my Instagram.
G: Yessir!
A: I was like ok whatever. But the next day I messaged them on Instagram. I was like hey, I hope I didn’t say anything out of line last night blah blah blah
G: She know she didn’t say shit out of line
A: Yea I just wanted to make sure they remembered who I was. And then you invited me out to drinks.
G: I was like ok I guess it’s my turn. Do you want to have a drink?
A: And then I finished Gem’s drinks because Gem can’t hold liquor as you know.
D: What’s been something about your relationship that has changed since the beginning? Something that you love and something you’re “eh” about?
A: Well we started off Poly and now we’re not, so that makes me happy. Something I’m “eh” about… We used to move around a lot more, which I miss. But I also like having a home now too.
G: Para mi, yea its kinda the same. We started off polyamorous. A lot of my energy was split and that was hard, and so I’m happy that I can just focus. It’s a lot less work and more fulfilling to be honest. Um, and something I’m “eh” about… Uhhh I don’t know. I don’t have like a bad thing but it is an interesting thing. I feel like the dominant roles of our relationship change frequently. I feel like when we started, you played a lot more of a dominant role. Which is interesting. Not a good thing. Not a bad thing. It’s just a thing.
D: How do you guys handle where your views don’t align?
A: Difficultly? Is that a word?
G: I don’t think so. We talk. We talk a lot.
A: Too much
G: I’m a talking ass bitch. We will sit for hours and deconstruct the problem. I need to get to the root of it. Andy does not like to talk.
A: Gem just be talking. I’m like does everything have to be talked about.
G: Yessir! Even the slightest issue. All of it. We gotta get to the root of it so small things don’t become big things.
D: Gem, do you have your own definition of what love is?
G: Mhm. Love IS… thinking of someone in the same breath as yourself. I think. Yea, I think love is collective planning, collective action. Love is when I say me I mean us.
D: Do you think you receive love in the same way that you give it?
G: No.
D: What’s the difference?
G: I give love by saying things. I’m a comforter in that way. Reassuring my partner is really important to me. But I receive love in the most practical way. Like I’m romantic so I give love in these big romantic actions, but receiving love for me is washing the dishes and making the bed and plugging my phone into the charger and making sure I have my bonnet on if I’m drunk.
A: OH
G: That’s love
D: Andy, what is your definition of love?
A: Hmm.
D: Or if you don’t have one what do you think it is?
A: I think love is being excited every day about the most mundane things. Just like being excited to spend time with the same person over and over and over again. Even if nothing is happening. I think love is like comfort. It’s something that you don’t really have to think about. It’s something you can relax into, exist within and like not be afraid of. A place where you can truly be all of yourself. I know that’s corny as fuck
G: Nah that’s poetry baby. I love that
A: It’s like you don’t have to hide the parts that you’re used to hiding or the parts that you have had to in the past. You can just be.
D: Do you feel that you receive and give love in the same way?
A: Yes, but I’m learning that that’s not necessarily the right way. Like I’m a very touchy, feely, cuddly, physically affectionate type person, and that’s one of my biggest love languages. But as you just heard Gem say, theirs is washing the fucking dishes. I hate to wash dishes so of course Gem is probably like she doesn’t love me, she doesn’t vacuum the rug. So I’m learning love is different to different people, and I have to love Gem in the way that they need to be loved. Gem’s love language has also changed since we first met.
G: Yessir
A: It used to be gift giving which is easy for me.
D: Do you feel yours has been consistent?
A: Yea
D: When did you know you were gay?
A: I been gay my whole life. I had one boyfriend in the 6th grade. He used to try to walk me to the bus and I would run away from him every day. To the point where I would miss the bus every day for two weeks. My parents were like what the fuck is wrong with you. So then I had to transfer buses just because I didn’t want to be around him.
G: That’s pretty far to go
A: That was the only boyfriend I ever had
G: I on the other hand just uhh…. I think the best word to describe me in college is a slut. I couldn’t understand y’know. I was like I enjoy sex with men but I don’t like any of them and so maybe I’m just not fucking the right one. So I figured if I sleep with a ton, I’ll figure it out eventually. And I never did. I never did. And that’s how I knew I was gay.
D: What do you both identify as, if anything?
G: I’m bi
A: I’m gay. Yea I don’t like the word lesbian. I think it sounds so serious for no reason. I guess queer.
G: Yea I feel like I call myself queer most often too.
D: What was coming out to your family like?
G: It was bad. Very bad. My mom did not take it well. She’s Nigerian, and so she didn’t understand. She thought it was like the end of my life. We’re still moving to a place where she can accept. I feel like she’s closer than she’s ever been.
A: Gem’s mom said to me, “If you love Gem you will pray for her to become the woman she’s meant to be”. So she wants me, Gem’s partner, to pray away the gay. So…
G: Yea, I mean I came out to my mom when I was seventeen. We’re running on a decade now. I feel like she’s gonna get it eventually. Yea, it wasn’t good, but it’s getting better. It’s the best I can hope for right now.
D: What about you?
A: I came out to my mom like super casually. I was like mom I have to tell you something. She was like, “Are you pregnant?”. I was like no. She was like, “What, you gay?”. I was like yes actually. She was like, “Oh as long as you’re not pregnant”. I was like ok, well. My dad took it harder. We still don’t talk. We haven’t spoken in like five years.
D: Because of that?
A: He says no, but like yes.
G: He kicked you out the house.
A: Yea he blamed it on a bunch of reasons, but that was like the ultimate final straw.
D: Do you think your relationships with your parents, or how you came out to your parents, affect the way you go into relationships with different partners/people?
G: I’ve never considered that. Probably. I think I have a legitimate fear of abandonment and it probably has something to do with the way most of my family reacted when I came out. And so any disagreement to me now feels a lot bigger than it actually is.
A: I don’t know. I never feel like I went through the whole trauma that comes with coming out. Why are you laughing? Gem is always trying to tell me I have trauma and I really don’t feel like I do. Like I don’t feel traumatized. So to answer your question, I think it allows me to feel pretty open. Like I never had to hide or I never had to pretend to be. In my day to day life, I never have to pretend or hide that part of myself and I think that’s partially because it was so easy to come out to my parents. Granted, my father didn’t accept it, but I don’t really care. Well my grandma didn’t accept it either
G: She died cursing you out
A: She did, yea
G: You don’t have any trauma around that?
A: Ima be who I am y’know. I will be me.
G: That’s my Southern Top!
D: So what are some of your favorite things about being in love with each other?
G: It’s comforting. It feels like aversion of home I didn’t know was possible.
A: I think Gem truly pushes me to be a better person, a better version of myself. And I don’t always like it. Most of the time I really don’t like it. But I can put down on paper the ways in which Gem has really pushed me to examine myself and question certain parts of myself and like address things that I have been comfortable putting off for so long, or ignoring, or sweeping under the rug. So as annoying as it is, I am grateful for that.
G: In a lot of ways Andy pushes me to take good risks. Y’know like I’m the kind of person that will never leave my city, but will do reckless shit in my city every weekend. Andy pushes me to perhaps explore healthier ways of living out that risk attraction. Shit we live in fucking Mexico. We have this store. We’ve built this life and that’s all because of Andy.
A: On the flip-side of that, you have pushed me to be, I mean this goes into me being a better person, but my responsibility has increased significantly
G: She just means she’s paying taxes now
A: I’m paying taxes. I’m paying off credit cards. I’m addressing debt. I’m washing my face before I go to sleep. I’m like doing adult things. Gem is responsible for my skin! That I am grateful for. I know it’s like a silly thing, but Gem has made me comfortable with routine and I’ve been so anti-routine my entire life. I always associated routine with boredom, but it doesn’t have to be. And there are good parts to it.
G: Andy drank a green juice this morning! She made a green juice, then she drank it. I was so proud. I said Damn! My girl drinking vegetables. When I met her, she would exclusively eat vegetables with meat.
A: That’s true. Now since we’ve moved in together, I haven’t cooked meat. I still eat meat, but I haven’t cooked meat in a year and a half and that’s pushed me to cook things I never cooked before and be more creative in the kitchen which is something that I love.
G: And I got to have real grits!
A: We both winning.
D: So you guys have named the ways in which you’ve grown individually and externally in the world. How have you grown, or changed, internally as a consequence of your relationship?
A: I can answer that. As a result of Gem, internally I have started to care about things other than myself. I know that sounds really messed up, but I think I get so overwhelmed with terrible things, or how terrible things can be in the world that for the longest time I just.. ignorance is bliss, like I didn’t care about anything or anyone because it was too hard to care about anything, but Gem has taught me to care about things and care about people while also maintaining my sanity and some semblance of peace.
G: Andy just makes me an all around better human being. I don’t want to say I’m chiller because that’s not true, but I’m more careful about how my behavior affects others. I think for the first time in my life I care about how my behavior reflects on somebody else. That’s something I’ve never been able to say. I’ve been in long relationships but there’s something about this love, about our connection and the room that we give each other that makes me go we’re an us, and I can’t take any actions that would hurt us. It’s not just me anymore.
D: What would you guys say is the foundation of your relationship?
G: For me it’s honesty. That’s been the biggest thing for me from the beginning. I will tell you the truth even if I know you will hate the truth. Especially if I know you will hate the truth. Because I need to know that everything is out there.
A: I think it ties into that, but communication is the foundation. I truly am a sit in my head and sulk type of person, but Gem will not allow me to be that. From the very beginning, just forced me to talked about things — forced me to say my feelings. So I think I am more honest in this relationship than I’ve ever been before. Not that I was intentionally dishonest before, it’s just that no other partner has ever been so communicative with me as Gem has and them doing that makes me feel comfortable-ish in doing the same.
D: What’s one word you would use to describe your love?
G: Full
A: Warm
D: Gem, Andy is…
G: Andy is my person
D: Gem is…
A: My best friend