A Boring Love: Zhariah + Kayla
A Southern Mississippi Pride meet-cute
D: Will you tell me how you met again?
K: You can tell it. You tell stories better than I do. I get long-winded.
Z: It was kind of funny from my perspective. It was Pride week here, which I had no clue existed.
K: It was your first one, right?
Z: It was my first pride. I knew about all of the events because of friends. We went to queer karaoke at SoPro, and I walk in. Now listen, there’s not many black people on the scene that’s actually around and out as far as I know. I walk in and I spot this light bright person in a group of their very white friends. They also looked super young so I was like “Mmm, I don’t know”. They got up to sing and I was like, “Ok, they got a little musical bone in their body”. They did not notice me at all, but my eyes were just locked. I was thinking, “What am I gonna say to introduce myself to them”. I’m very shy and not the person to be like, “Hey you’re attractive”. That’s just not me. I put it in my head that I would see them at another event. I knew they volunteered for center and the center was hosting this whole thing. I saw them at another event, and my friend was like “Just go. Go!”. I could’ve crawled up in a corner before I actually said words. So I let it be, but I was watching them through the whole night like, “Oh they’re so cute”.
K: Keep in mind, I do not notice any of this. Just walking around like, “Deedeee deeedeeee deeee”.
Z: Just oblivious. Toward the end of the show, I was standing outside waiting on my friends. Kayla walks out, and they were like, “Your hair is really pretty”. I had my good wig on.
K: The wig that started it all! Every time I see it I’m like dang.
Z: In my head I was like, “Oh I had the same wig on the other night, why didn’t you see me?”. Anyway, they said that, and that was all I needed. Started a whole conversation. I thought it would be a quick conversation. NO, I was milking it. I was blushing so hard.
K: The only reason I saw Zhariah was because I was checking on my friend who was in the corner of the parking lot yacking. That’s the only reason I even came outside at that exact moment.
D: What were your first impressions and what is your impression now?
K: My first impression of Zhariah was very adorable, cutesy, round face and big doe eyes. She was bundled up and it made her look even more adorable. I’m a sucker for a pretty face and a cute, adorable personality. Personality wise, I was kinda worried because I can be so factual and analytical. I thought it would turn her off from me. She was very careful with her words, careful how she treated me, careful with her appearance and what she said to others. I was more like it is what it is. I don’t care what people think about me. I was scared that wasn’t gonna work out. It helped me in the long run be like maybe I do need to take some perspective and be more delicate in my words. Y’know not everyone wants cold hard facts all the time. I feel like I helped her to not care so much about what other people want. That was my first impression.
My impression now is that she is still just the cutest thing ever, but I now see her more as like a grown woman per se. Now I see so much more of her personality. So it gives very much grown woman vibes and I’m very much more into that than like the cutesy image I first saw. It made me more attracted to her if that was even possible. Personality wise, I fell even more in love with her personality because she’s so gentle and kind to everyone around her. She really cares and is thoughtful. They really do look out for everyone in their lives. In terms of our platonic intimacy, they are so gentle with me and I’ve never been treated that way. Because I am more masculine on the surface, a lot of people are rough with me and think I can take whatever treatment. That’s simply not the case. So yea, my impression of her now is how much they care, how much they show up for others and how much perspective she makes me take.
Z: Love you
K: Love you too
Z: My first impression of Kayla, like I said, was “Omg a black queer woman”. They looked young but I thought they had the prettiest face ever. The freckles, the locs. I saw how they moved for everyone in that moment. They were checking on everybody and I really got to see who they are. That was important for me to have in a person; someone who cared as much as I did. To see it in that way was great because a lot of people will be that for their partner, but not everyone else. They were just attractive ultimately. I was kinda stuck. A lot of those first interactions, I did think they were a little bit like….I was like, “Oof”. If there was anything that made me feel like “Eh, idk”, it was that sometimes I felt like they weren’t interested because..
K: My voice can sound very dry over text
Z: Voice was so monotone. I was like oh god. Let’s just feel it out. That was that as far as first impression. Now, they’re proving to me everyday just how caring they truly are and how amazing they want to be for me and Astrid (Zhariah’s son), and their family. Just the thought that they put into things. I’ve never met anyone like that, other than myself, that I’ve been in a relationship with. Just how particular they are is one of my favorite things because it’s helped me be more organized. I feel like I genuinely have a balance here that I’ve never had before.
D: Some things that I’m hearing are that affirmation and being seen is what helps you to see yourself and settle more into your body in such a beautiful way. It also makes me think of what Zhariah said about being used to doing things for yourself, and when you met Kayla, they were able to open you up to love in a whole new way. So my next question is, what does it mean for you to be loved the way you feel you deserve? Or what does it do for you?
Z: A lot of my life, I haven’t been able to be relaxed and depend on people other than my mom. I’ve never had that trust. So I’ve always been like “I’ll do it myself”. Y’know, not even allowing a person to do it for me because I feel it’s been constant disappointment. For some reason, I felt I deserved that. I would almost try to sabotage relationships or just not have the expectation. Now, it’s shown me how I work hard at everything and I care deeply for people. So why would I believe I can’t have the same thing. I see a lot when people say, “You expect people to love you the way that you love them, but you’re not allowing them to love you in the way that they want to love you”. I think it opens up a lot when you do let that happen. While Kayla and I are very similar, how they love me is very different than I’ve ever been loved before. They love Astrid on top of loving me. So it gets deeper there because I do have a kid. Now? I’m allowing myself to chill and trust them. They really have my back and I don’t have to worry about coming up disappointed. I’ve never felt that once with Kayla.
K: *nervous chuckle*
Z: This is the first time I’ve genuinely been able to say, “I trust you and I love you”, and not, “I want to trust you or I want to love you more than I do”. Now I’ve stopped trying to live in the future and just be present. They’ve given me the time and patience to do that. They also remind me of what I deserve because I wasn’t hearing it. I’m finally in a place of accepting that I can have softness. It’s not crazy or taboo at all.
K: For me, how someone can best express their love is through physical touch. I’ve been like that since day one of us being together and I’m still like that. In the beginning, I was more affectionate than Zhariah, but I feel that now we’re evenly matched because for her, she needed that trust first. Once we established that trust, she really opened up to me. What it does for me is it gives me a sense of mental peace. I hide a lot of what’s wrong. So for me to be able to be vulnerable and express my feminine side ultimately, allowed me to open up more to her and to other people in my life. It gives me a sense of peace in terms of being ok with not being the one providing all of the time and not having to be the strongest person in the room 24/7. It gives me a lot of mental stability.
D: What does it mean for you to be able to love someone the way you actually want to, without feeling like you have to constrict anything with your heart or your words?
Z: It’s freeing. I feel with social media culture, there’s always some conversation of people not being able to put their 1000% self in something. So to have somebody to do that with is really a privilege. Love is so many hoops now that people have created to where I love that we block that out and do it the way we want to. It looks like what it looks life for us and it doesn’t have to look that way for anybody else. So for me, this brings me a lot of peace and serenity as someone whose always felt there were a lot of restrictions. I don’t have to feel like I can’t love this person with all of me. I don’t have to feel like “let me not.. let me not just really sit in this and be present in it”. This is the most present I’ve ever been in something.
K: For me, like Zhariah said, it’s very freeing. Because of past experiences with love and with women, a lot of people got overwhelmed with how affectionate I am and how I care. With Zhariah, she was all for it. Again, she just needed that trust first. I like how boring we can be together. I’m ok with having a boring love.
Z: Simple love is just the best.
D: When you say boring love, what does that mean for y’all?
Z: Day to day things. I feel like people always have to be doing something or there always has to be some event for them to be like, “Oh I love this person so much”. For me, it’s in very simple things. The simple things give us moments to have each others backs. Nothing but vibes. That to me is that boring love. For some people, that’s not interesting enough to them.
D: What keeps you saying yes to this love daily?
K: Seeing how much we can grow. I’ve seen how much Zhariah has improved with me and I feel and see how I’ve improved with Zhariah. So just wanting to know and being excited to know what will tomorrow look like.
Z: For me it’s kind of the same. If you can say yes to a relationship that’s not the best for you, then you can say yes to one that is great and healthy and full. Thinking of our experience so far, if this is where we are within months of being together, imagine where we could be. We really do see a future. When you plan things for the future, that also keeps you saying yes. It’s gonna sound corny but you feel like you can conquer the world with a person. Like, if I got you baby, I’m good. Seeing how we’ve worked through challenges has made me trust Kayla to keep saying yes.
D: What are three things you value in life, and how does this relationship help you to nurture those things?
Z: Of course honesty all around. Intuition. & honestly just not giving a fuck and doing me, if we can make that a value.
K: Individuality.
Z: Yes individuality. That’s perfect. I’ve always kinda marched to the beat of my own drum. This being my first queer relationship has pushed me to do all of that. I could’ve sabotaged out of fear of what people would say. But I was like fuck that. I love this person. They bring to the table things that I need and desire. So why should I care about people I don’t know. I’m very honest with Kayla and they help me to stay honest. They’ve helped me get in touch with those things a bit more because I have been very timid. At one point, I became such a sheltered person. Since then, I’ve been able to truly get back to my values and getting back to who I want to be, and not feeling like I have to be something else or do something else. My relationship has helped me fall into that more and get out of that shell because I didn’t know who that person was.
K: My values in life are kindness. Before Zhariah, I was kind of becoming bitter and numb to everything because I went through a traumatic relationship that was still having residual holds on me. I definitely healed before Zhariah, but being with her healed that part of the trauma that couldn’t have been healed without finding a very nurturing wholesome love. So in every sense of the word, this relationship nurtures kindness. My second value is new experiences. I don’t like sitting in the same place for long, as far as knowledge. Being with Zhariah has shown me a whole new side of our home town and traveling. Past fears around traveling are no longer a thing. I feel like I’ve grown so much as a person intellectually and culturally because of Zhariah. Not to say I was ignorant or closed off, I just wasn’t well traveled. Third, I would say, is my spirituality in terms of self love, because that was a big factor blocking me spiritually. Like I said before, I’d become numb and was just going through the motions of life. I wasn’t present ever. Being with Zhariah has shown me that it’s ok to hurt, but also process that hurt and find better ways to move forward.
Z: I just want to recreate a lot of what they didn’t experience.
K: I feel like Zhariah is really helping to heal my inner child. I’m being treated so softly and gently.
D: Do you guys have any advice for people who are waiting on a more nourishing love?
Z: My advice is to trust the process. Trust timing. While you’re waiting, keep living. Keep learning yourself as much as you can. Do things that bring you joy solo. Have fun in your singleness. Set healthy boundaries for yourself because you’re going to have to set healthy boundaries with the person you meet. I know we’re constantly learning who we are, but just give yourself time to breathe on your own and nurture yourself. Know what it is that you want, so when that person comes, you can fully be present for them as well. Because they’re going to bring their needs and wants too.
K: .. and their traumas
Z: .. and you’re gonna bring yours, unless you’re just blessed by the lord to not have any. So just give yourself that time and space to enjoy being with you.
K: My advice is to be patient because three years ago, I was in the most traumatic relationship of my life. Those three years afterwards, I was ghosted, lied to, treated wrong, all of that.. So just be patient, because I had given up on love at some point. I was like fuck it, if it happens it happens but I’m not counting on it. I’d become one of those people even though I’m very much a romantic at heart. Just be patient. You literally never know what could happen. Me literally checking up on a friend who was about on the verge of death from alcohol led me to Zhariah. Also, while you’re still single, like Zhariah said, keep working on yourself. I feel the only reason me and Zhariah worked out, from my perspective, is because I’d done a lot of introspective work and spirituality work before meeting her. I was very broken, and if I were still like that, we would not have made it far. With someone coming into your life, it’s not gonna always be roses.
Z: The energy is gonna shift many many times.
K: If you always do the work, you truly will nourish that love in the way it deserves to be nourished. If you’re meant to be, it will work out because you’re not allowing that trauma you refuse to work on hurt that other person, and in retrospect, hurt yourself as well.
D: How do you want to grow in love form here?
Z: Kayla and I have a lot of foundational conversations. I want to continue to be able to sit in those conversations, disagree, and still feel like I can do life with this person. Continuing to learn each other as best as we can. There are still many ways we’re learning how we’re alike and different. Just being accepting through all of that, unless you do some crazy shit. Continuing that journey of learning, doing, and readjusting. Things are gonna happen, and when that foundation is there, it won’t be as big of an issue because we’ll be able to handle them differently.
K: From day one, we set that intention of honesty. For me, I want to grow in love in terms of.. hm.. in terms of the difficult conversations. I feel there are so many more difficult conversations we’ve yet to have. I want to continue being so solid in our foundation that we still love each other just the same after any challenging thing.
Z: It’ll just come from love because it’s not ever to hurt each other. When you come with an open heart and mind, it makes it easier.
D: Love is
K: Boundless
Z: Peace
D: Being seen feels like
Z: You loving me through my crackhead tendencies
K: Crying
D: I want you to know
Thank you for reading.